Excretion of the Unknown Cricket

(part of my 5-8-13 journal)

Dear Green Apple Page Unknown,

The ticks of the clock are very audible. And it is strange that I can hear them more than the sound of the crickets outside. Usually, the cry of the crickets is louder than any other sound at twilight. I know the crickets just wanted to be recognized. Gusto lang nilang ipaalam sa iba yung kanilang existence. Na buhay sila, na handa silang sumigaw para lang mapakinggan.  At dahil I recognized them, I mean, their sounds, it seems that they rule half of the earth for a while. Kung iisipin mo, it is too generous of the universe to let this strange things happen e.

Alam ko kung ano yung ibig-sabihin ng metaphor sa audible ticks of the clock. At dahil alam ko yun, alam kong I needed to do something other than stare blankly and let my mind wander. I cannot think of other things to do except to confide my grievances against the flaws of human physiology, and the imperfect timing of excretion necessities. I just cannot accept the fact that the mind cannot be over matter sometimes, especially during the best or the worst of your dreams. Perhaps, you should experience having a ruined date with Taylor Swift, or Zoey Kazan or Ingrid Michaelson or Zooey Deschanel or (oh, I almost forgot) Angel Locsin IN YOUR DREAMS. In my case, I was having a good conversation with Zoey Kazan. We were exchanging our thoughts about some good books at sa kung anu-ano pang kaek-ekan ng buhay. Hindi ko nga alam e, I was speaking in Filipino while she was speaking in English pero nagkakaintindihan kami. I know, isa yan sa mga kaastigan ng panaginip. We were talking about Anna Karenina ng bigla namang…. At nasira na yung date namin. Kung kelan mo gustong maihi at magising dahil you know that you’re stuck in a nightmare saka naman hindi mo kaya

I talked to my friend, this friend na alam kong handang makinig lagi. That was about sa plano ko for the next months, at tumawa lang kami. Sabi ko, I would unlock Shakespeare’s language for six months, by myself. Sabi niya, baka daw gay lingo lang yung gamit ni Shakespeare, mahirap daw intindihin e. By the way, Anne Hathaway din pala yung pangalan ng asawa ni Shakespeare, siguro maganda sya.

Sabi ni Mama, baka daw nagiging antisocial na ako. I just spend my day sa reading table ko. Imagine, nine novels yung natapos ko in the past fourteen days. I am not a fast reader. Mabagal akong magbasa to make sure I don’t miss important details. Siguro nga, wala lang akong magawa kaya ganun. Puro passivity at walang activity. Kaya ko nasabing ‘the mornings had started coming adrift’ kasi ganun na nga, wala akong ibang ginagawa. Dahil pagod yung utak ko pagbabasa, madalas, natutulog na ako bago mag-nine.

Naalala ko yung good talks kasama yung mga kaibigan ko, yung puro tawa lang. Naisip ko, paano kaya kung hindi na lang ako pumunta kasi alam kong joketime naman yun? Ano kaya yung nangyari, magtatawanan pa rin kaya sila? O mauuwi na lang ang kwentuhan sa inuman? I tried to imagine the perturbed social world if I do not exist. Ano nga kaya ang mangyayari kung wala ako? And what if, isa akong cricket, na naghahari lang kapag tulog ang tao? Would I make the loudest sound? No, this is not a suicide note. I just want to imagine a world without me. I know nagigi akong narcissist sa mga iniisip ko. Na puro na lang AKO, AKO, AKO,  I just want to know kung gaano ko naiimpluwensyahan ang buhay ng iba. Akala ko talaga narcissist ako e, until that day whenI saw my reflection in the mirror. I said, ‘not that appealing to fall in love with you’.

Alam kong magbabago ang isang kwentuhan kapag kasama ako. Pero ano naman diba? Isa lang akong bibig sa circle ng mga intelektwal. I am just a cricket that bearly thickens the sound. Pampaingay. Minsan, pampatahimik sa mga bibig na nagtsi-tsismisan.

I was talking about my grievances against the excretion necessities. Kung bakit kelangang maihi ka sa kalagitnaan ng date mo, sa panaginip. Hindi  ako makatulog pagkatapos magising  sa umaapaw na pantog. And I know I felt I needed to write, that’s why I write. I hope, this is not a sheer excretion, but a creative expression as well.

…

…(long chowder explanation).

…

...

Sige Green Apple, Bukas na ulit kita dudumihan.

Nagmamahal,

C