Dramaturgical Randomness

03/27/15

Weary days drain body and soul. The sun was long gone from my sight. It went down faster than a car running inside the university, with a 30kph speed limit, it would never run off course. I cannot think of anything other than the roles to play, had not I learned the secrets of letting go--of fears (of all things). That’s what we call as role conflict. When two or more roles require of your attendance simultaneously, you are torn between what to choose.

***

 Tonight, they are here watching me closely, thinking that I have been out of my mind to surrender what I have already gained. Or it can be the other way around that I have decided to settle for good and abandon what I have had from sheer grace. However, I tell them that they should not expect something from me, I have always acknowledged my faults and longed for reconciliation. There are just times when I feel funky, but it does not mean that I will be like this forever. How pathetic, spirits of despair are opportunity-seekers.

***

For some reasons, I failed to remember. For some reasons, I forgot that I have fought the good race; forgot about the daily grind; forgot about the incognizance of the slot in the safe boat that goes beyond all the doubts, it leaves the world and crosses from death to life. Of course, they are wise enough to think and to convince me that I must do something to compensate the hate and frustrations I feel now. In real terms, I do not show approval of those faults. I am a fault-finder, true. But the case is, why do they make unnecessary faults? They pile mistakes after mistakes, set goals purposelessly like taking aim with both eyes closed. I am just tired of these draggers. 

***

Selfishness can be put into context. Yes it is something inside yet how others perceive it is based on how they benefit from it. They won’t see you as selfish person when you are ready to stand up for them. In the same vein, they would look at you as a selfish being once you fulfil your duties for other people who do not concern them actually.  You see, even if you are not doing things for your own sake, you could still be branded as selfish.

***

I am becoming a fool to sacrifice the time I should have used in reading for the examination tomorrow. There are a lot of should have’s which cross my mind. Does urgency means importance? I don’t think so. Importance speaks of its relative value. Urgency is the response to it. When you deem one thing as important, you put it into the priority list, you put premium into it.

***

Reflexivity. Maybe, it is what’s lacking in each one of us here. There should be functional differentiation ( as Mr. Randy David stated). It should be present even in the roles deemed as the most sacred. It is the unwritten mandate for behaviour. In layman's term, it is referred to as impartiality. 

***

There is a concomitance of pain and fear etched on the surface of my drained emotional vacuum. What’s left is numbness, quiet contempt and the searing desire of being phenomenal in all the things that I do. It’s hurting that I cannot even talk to the ones I have longed to talk to. I am afraid that I cannot reach half of what I have planned. I am tired of accepting and directing sympathy to and fro. All these feelings are going to sleep. Tomorrow, I hope I can find the time to rest. I was wrong to claim the prophet Isaiah’s word, for I do not possess the characteristic of proactive person. There is always a feel of failure, someday, in days I would not notice, it would eat me and I will feel free. Or maybe it is not freedom,but rather a latent insentience.

***

Before sunrise, there is no time to rest. I choose to not rest. I choose to free my life from the norm of resting after accomplishing so little.