Aral Mula sa Lumang Journal

Isinulat ko ito noong nakaraang semestre pa. Nakakagulat na parehong kwento pa din ang meron ako ngayong semestre, at kung paano ako natuto at nakalimot. Sinusubok ko ulit ngayon na matutunan ang mga aral ng karanasan. At dumating ako sa pagpapatunay na hindi karanasan ang pinakamagaling na guro. Ito ay ang pag-aaral, pagkilatis at pagkatuto mula dito. Ayaw nating mauwi tayo sa nalimot na karanasan at kasaysayan. Marami na ang naidulot nitong sakit. Na sa akin, ay sakit na kaya namang iwasan. 

Februrary  ** 2014

I always think every actor (thespian) makes a deep sigh before a curtain call. Relieved, they are ready to face the warmth applause of the crowd. I was never on stage as an actor except for some small school plays, but I have seen a lot of them. The last play I viewed live was staged by the Philippine High School for the Arts’ Dulaan ng Sipat Lawin. They performed Ugo Betti’s Ang Reyna at ang mga Rebelde (The Queen and the Rebels). Honestly, I did not make the effort to understand what the story was all about. I amused myself instead on how the high school students manage to act in that level. They indeed are promising artists.

I have just sighed, brief but with unusual depth, like the one the stage actor does. It makes sense to assume that they breathe deeper before their final appearance since we know that substantial amount of oxygen can keep one calm. I feel accomplished. It’s as if the universe has run out of in-stored assignments for me; as if I was a Luna Moth on its 7^th day. However, I realized I had not had a good night sleep for the last three weeks. With the ending of the semester, I thought the universe is becoming more and more generous everyday as well --- in giving me headaches. I was stuck in reading, writing, rewriting (if I do not super-procrastinate) and reading again. These were the nights when I was lucky enough to have four hours of sleep.  And since my professors’ voices extend even up to that brief rest, I cannot consider that a good relief at all.

There can be two implications when one starts to pay attention on his breathing, 1) they experience shortness of breath (SOB) 2) they are bored. I cannot think of a better explanation for the first other than, you’ll never know how important something is until you lose it. Or for the sake of the teens, let’s just sing only know you love her when you let her go.  You would love air only when you are lacking of them. The second can be easily understood when you’re familiar with the keyword “bored”. If you’re an adventurous person and not acquainted with the word boredom, well it’s hard to explain. Perhaps, you would know you’re bored when you start to entertain the idea of reading a book of Shakespeare in one sitting. Try watching Icelandic films, without English subtitles!

By the way, conscious effort to observe one’s breathing is included as well. It is implied.

I had an unhealthy thought life of avoiding possible pains. True, I found myself stuck in the dark places of despair and delinquency. I escaped from the responsibilities I gladly received at first. I never showed up in the weekly meeting of an organization in which I am a member. I was so afraid that my mental capabilities cannot handle further pressure, that’s why I kept myself from hardwork. My great resolve amidst the rising responsibilities is apathy. I blend it perfectly with self-centered excuses.

But never did I realize earlier that pain is temporary --- and necessary. I was wrong when I thought I could be good enough even if I don’t push myself to the limits, to just take everything lightly. I was deceived by the concept of “talent” and ‘gifts, that everyone has their innate ingenuity waiting to be discovered. True, everyone has an innate greatness but not waiting to be discovered alone, they are meant to be forged as well. It requires heat and extravagant pounding. I tell you, the reshaping is painful.

My weakness is that I was never an actor. No, I was never a good one. Stage fright always caught me off guard. In reservations I lay hold on to. In this worry that no opportunity shall come again, I come to a resolve that I resort to taking pain.