His Light in the Darkness

I wasn't able to write the last few days because I got sick. I am still recovering from dengue, but I really feel better now. Thinking about what happened, how sudden that event was, there's still a little bit of fear whenever the night comes. 

I just feel like writing what's in my head in those moments of pain. I'd like to think that God has His purpose for my sickness, and in the moment of pain and weakness, relying upon Him alone, I easily got it that I needed that. My mind had been wandering too much about the future, and having no strength to think about silly matters made me more reliant upon His Grace.

If you've ever experienced dengue, you'd know the insurmountable pain it can cause you. Or maybe, it was just me. I was usually tolerant of physical pain, but the pain from that had been too much. There was this moment that I still remember in that week of sickness.

Photo source:The Western PA Healthcare News Team

 It was the fourth night that I was with fever. I don't know what the time is, but it's not yet midnight. I got up from bed a few times already to pee. My room was dark, as it usually is. I sensed a nagging pain in my back that went straight to my nape. My head feels heavy. My lymph nodes are swelling, together with my hands, and feet. Added to that pain is the feeling of exhaustion. I was exhausted. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. What adds to the suffering is the feeling of uncertainty.  I don't know when the pain will end. I'm not used to that kind of sickness. Whenever I have flu, I can already get out of bed the second day. That's why the agony has piled up.

While I think about all of that, my tears are falling without me noticing. I just couldn't handle it. I take notice of everything, all the small details, and my thoughts are just messed up. I feel self-pity for no reason. Every small thing that's happened, my brain makes something out of that and magnifies it and wallows into some sorrow. 

While I was conscious of it, and I try to just think of other things, bad thinking can just be strong when you're sick. Good thing, I fell asleep. At some point, the body will just be exhausted. It couldn't handle the stress, and it will just shut down.

I woke up after an hour of sleep, got out of bed, and just prayed. The pains didn't leave my body, yet somehow my mind is stronger.

I was so calm and didn't suffer even with pain. 

I wasn't able to sleep until dawn.

Photo source: Loren @favim.com

Throughout the day, I felt well. It's as if the infection's already gone. But I was wrong. The same pain started from my back at around 10pm again, then it went up and dealt my body the same pain the night before. 

This time, I was calmer and was easy to just believe that it will go away. Surely the pain went away at dawn. 

I felt okay again throughout the day, and thank God the pains didn't come back for good.

This kind of experience is new to me, that's what I need to know Him more, and to trust Him more. I can go back to this experience to deal with several challenges that might come along the way. Knowing my plans, I surely will have several of them.

In dark times, I know God will deliver. His light will always come, even if darkness feels forever.