I want to go back

I want to be the motivated guy who might not have enough money for lunch out but had a surplus of contentment and drive. He was always hungry for genuine connections and truth and progress. I didn't have enough sleep but still had enough rest and peace. 

Every evening, when I drink coffee after long hours of work, I can't help but think of what I have become now. I have given up things I enjoyed for security. Without my consent, some things just slip off while I was enjoying some trivial matters of life.

It's clear that I don't need to prove anything to anyone, but when I go to bed every night, I'd feel the fear of missing something important. When I get up, I'm always afraid that the nightmares I had would cross into reality. 

I want to go back because I can't see that things would turn out well. Not tomorrow, not in the next day. 

It's tragic that I am wiser, stronger, better but I feel as vulnerable as I was. Because of that, I was left with no choice but to go back. 

And I did go back. 

But my former self could only dream of being this far, so I want to move forward.