At 26, I Have Regrets, and I'm Okay With It

 Questions: Why do we we have regrets? What do regrets teach us? Is it possible to live a life of no regrets?

Estimated Reading Time: 4 mins

PART 1: WHY REGRET MATTERS

We have regrets. 

 We feel sorry or unhappy about something we did. We can also feel the same for something we failed to do. The Old Norse word, grata, is the likely origin of the word. It originally meant "to weep."

Kierkegaard, one of my favorite thinkers, had also thought it through. He didn't necessarily write about regret, but a deeper concern: existential dilemmas. How do we confront the nagging questions in our heads? How do we choose between the things that equally matter for us?

The answer to that can also bring about existential dread, as he said that either/or we will suffer. Regardless of whether a choice is well-thought-of or not, the pain will still be present. These existential dilemmas will surely bring about regrets.

Regret is innate in our humanity. Only humans feel regret because we have the ability to think of what could have's. With the capacity to imagine different outcomes if only we could have done different, comes with the price: regret.

It's also necessary. Particularly with adults who developed some unhealthy habits, it really is difficult to learn from our mistakes. However, one of the things that force us to learn is pain. Regret, a form of emotion, allows us to be cautious to avoid repeating and suffering from the same mistake.

Regret doesn't necessarily mean you've made mistakes. Schpancer said that it's a false inference to think that the reason you have regrets is that you made mistakes. To quote him, "just as feeling afraid is not always an indication that you are in danger, so feeling regret is not always an indication you’ve made a mistake or chose badly." How many times have we had the 'blessing in disguise' moments? Familiar of serendipity? Yes, it means we can have regrets at first, then eventually things are better. It's just impossible to think through all the consequences of our actions.

If you're unconvinced that regrets may stay, it can mean so many things. One of which is that you believe that you can have no regrets in life.

Part  2: 'NO REGRETS'  MYTH

'NO REGRETS' is an illusion. Having No regrets means having not lived. It's just a 'bravado,' of some who are clearly detached of reality. As imperfect beings, we know full well that we are capable of choosing to do foolish things. We may get wasted from drinking, and end up drunk dialing an ex-lover. Out of anger, we may say something foolish, and that foolishness can cause us the relationship we value. We may feel sorry for what we did. These are regretful events, along with the remorse after committing a repeated mistake in life.

Another view, which I heard from a friend goes like this:

The 'NO REGRETS' diagram by my friend

From this diagram, after acceptance, we can experience a 'no regrets life.' Again, this is a view that may make sense on paper, but not in reality. Firstly, it excluded the possibility of the coexistence of acceptance and regrets. We can have regrets, and still accept the fact that things would never change. If you're in your sixties, and you've thought of the dream you ditched because of job security in your twenties, it's probable to think of what could have been. It doesn't mean you aren't happy with the outcome. It doesn't mean you don't accept and live with the results. But it doesn't mean that

Moreover, it posits the idea that just because you got over with regrets, it already means you have no regrets. Life is not a computer which we can just delete files and tell ourselves that it is gone. Our brains are more complicated than the most expensive computer there is. We cannot command our brain to delete the regretful memories. The fact that we've regretted it once, will mean that it's a regretful event. Even if things turn out to be better, I don't believe that it's fair to 'rename' it to the not regretful event.

Lastly, moving forward is still possible even if you have a feeling of remorse. The fact that we can continue doing our 'routines' amidst grief tells us that emotions don't necessarily dictate our actions.

I may need another lengthy post to expound on how we can deal with regrets even without deleting them completely. The fact of life still stands: every time, you empty the regret 'folder' and accept the life you have now, it doesn't mean that no new regrets will come.

At 26, I have regrets and just feels alright with remorse saying hi once in a while. Or am I really alright with that? Having accepted some consequences of my choice in few dilemmas, I don't see the need of a life lived without regrets.